The Ibiza come down hit pretty hard. I completely lost my voice for several days. Hot Richard didn’t want to commit to a date to see me again, and I grew increasingly suspicious of what he was hiding.

Sitting at my desk at work, I idly googled his full name and the place of his birth. My heart plummets. I wish I could undo the last few minutes and not know what I know, but it’s too late and it’s already beginning to invade my consciousness on a higher level and disturb my inner-peace. I feel so sick, restless. Suddenly so many puzzle pieces of this incomplete picture come together and a full HD image is coming into focus. I’m sure that what my imagination is doing is so much worse than reality but what I’ve discovered means that Hot Richard has a criminal background.

This is incomprehensible to me. I feel guilty; I feel that I’ve invaded his personal space, but it isn’t his personal space, this is information which is publicly available. It was his truth to tell me, but I realise that everything he’s told me up to now has only been a half-truth.

I wanted to keep this a secret, hide his dishonour for me and unknow it.

But how could I? How could I trust this man, welcome him into my life, even if he had been more honest.

Instinctively, I felt that if I told him I knew, he wouldn’t meet up with me, and I desperately wanted to speak with him. I wanted to hear his side of the story. Unsure if i would ever be able to convince him to talk to me about it, I at least wanted to try.

However, he didn’t want to speak to me, and he didn’t want to meet up.

Four days later, after I had heard every excuse under the sun for Hot Richard wanting to avoid contact with me, I messaged him and told him

I’m not interested in having a penpal, contact me if you actually want to meet up

He replied with random video messages, and further angered me. Pissed off, tired, strung out and ill, I decided I had nothing left to lose. I began to question him:
“Are you married?”
“No, Jesus is that what you’ve been thinking?”
“Do you have any children?”
“None that I’m aware of”
“Do you have a criminal record?”

Hot Richard was furious that I had googled him. I still had bruises on my skin from this man, and now I had some on my heart too. It would be weeks before we spoke again.


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